Witticism in Paradise

NEW YORK — This weekend’s moving and shifting over at last place NBC inspired first place CBS to do some soul-searching of their own, asking their viewers to stop making them the most watched network on television.

After NBC pulled critically-acclaimed, but sparsely watched Community from their mid season rotation, CBS made an announcement of their own.

“If everyone stopped watching our stupid shit, this kind of move wouldn’t have to happen. Now it’s only Community, but what’s NBC going to yank next?  Parks and Recration? Please, stop watching our dumb programming,” said every executive at CBS.

Stalwarts like Two and a Half Men, NCIS, CSI and Survivor have dominated the ratings game for years, while up-and-comers such as Mike and Molly and The Good Wife have shown promise too.

CBS’ long tenure atop the ratings has everyone baffled, viewers and executives alike. From one dry procedural drama to the next, from one humor-less mult-camera sitcom to another, the ratings refuse to dip, leaving higher-ups searching for answers.

“I mean, our shows are really, really dumb. We have three CSIs, two NCISes, essentially 10 Two and a Half Men and The Amazing Race. Do you see how much clever, innovative programming there is on other networks and cable channels? Everyone who watches our network needs to wake the fuck up. We can’t sit here knowing a show like Community is getting shafted, while people continue to watch Rules of Engagement,” again, said every executive at CBS.

The network has tried in the past to decrease its viewership, as recently as earlier this year, when they fired Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men. With hopes that the show would just die after his departure, show-runners decided to bring in Ashton Kutcher.

CBS called the move “a shot in the foot,” and confessed that they thought “they had rid the network of Jon Cryer and that fat kid from See Spot Run once and for all.”