Witticism in Paradise

Here are some perks I’d like to see if I’m forking over 20 million bones to the Metropolitans:

• Free, immediate supply of Shake Shack cuisine. The best part about Citi Field and the Mets game experience is Shake Shack. The worst part about it, besides the awful game you are bound to see, is the Shake Shack price and line. My generous investment in the team should grant me quick, unlimited, free access to the juicy burgers and thick shakes.
• A lock of Jose Reyes’ dreads. At least let me keep something besides the memories.
• Some of David Wright’s stubble. Might as well prepare for the inevitable.
• An open invitation to be a guest in the SNY broadcast booth at every game. I’ve always wanted to see Keith Hernandez’s mustache up close.
• Creative control over uniforms. There will certainly be a point next season when the team is so irrelevant that just for one game, I’d like all the players to wear bags on their heads. Haven’t decided yet if the caps go above or beneath the bag.
• Daniel Murphy Day. Where people in the crowd swap seats every inning before they can get comfortable in any chair.